Monthly Archives: June 2009

BoldRevelationsMight, aka CaptainAmericaAddict, aka …

… Pluto, aka AvengersCaptain, aka crackpothottie, aka Marvel Freshman, aka stallonekeatonsegal, aka AncientChineseSecret, aka wwefanslamdown, aka innumerable other sockpuppets, aka Ben Ryan Metzger, and affectionately known as Douche Quadbike.

This is an old story, as internet memes go, but one of the bedlamiest.

Big Ben Ryan was missin’ his sweetheart so much, he made her a 7-minute video, presumably to impress her with his manly manliness, and woo her back. In his own words it’s a:

Genuine real life love story of one man’s journey through time as he gives his all for one chance at a dream. Entirely filmed, produced, and directed by the man you see and him alone over the course of nine months.

[If you can’t bear to watch the whole thing, fast-forward to the last 2 minutes. Favorite moment: 1:47 🙂 ]

In case you skipped the video, and are wondering what the big deal is,  the Psychotic Letters from Men blog sums it up nicely:

He’s a cheesy, arrogant and dickless buffoon completely unreceptive to the real-life needs of a woman, and this video couldn’t be any more symbolic of why she left him in the first place.

Okay. Cheesy and weird, but maybe the guy just wears his heart on sleeve. Maybe it really is just a “Love Story.”

But then creepy Ben started showing up on blogs all over the internet, posing as other people, and promoting his vid. Then he added some links to cancer charities, so that he could report anybody who trashed his video for hating cancer.

Turns out Big Ben’s real motivation is landing the part of Captain America, in the upcoming feature film. Under the name CaptainAmericaAddict, he posted a bunch of new vids promoting himself in the title role. Then he spammed IMDB, comic book boards, and random BBs all across the net:

Rison wrote:

His name is Ben Ryan. He’s an award winning actor. I read it on his youtube channel comments.
I won’t pay to see some tiny small actor who looks nothing like Steve Rogers in the First Avenger. Anyway I think Ben Ryan has already been cast already hopefully.

My personal favorite, from just a few days ago:

AncientChineseSecret wrote:

Michael Jackson wanted Ben to be Captain America see the video for yourself it was his only wish

Poor Ben Metzger worked so hard to become famous, only to become infamous. He has inspired a 51-page (and counting) thread at cracked.com, and a series of Ballad of Douche Quadbike response videos.

Rumour is that casting for Captain America will be announced on July 4th, 2009.

Goddess Desired

I admit it. I have a fascination with internet insanity. Particularly insanity that masquerades as sanity: those people who function in the real world, but are passionately convinced of the legitimacy of their own private reality.

Take this guy for instance:

Smart, Sexy, Spiritual Goddess Desired for Awesome Relationship with Extraordinary Man.

One Gentleman’s Quest to Find His Goddess.

He’s on the brink of being a multi-millionaire, and he’s just looking for a woman to share it with. Well, not just any woman. The perfect woman. So extensive is his list of qualifications that his site requires a Table of Contents to summarize it all.

Of the many, many (many, many, many) images of our goddess-seeking gallant, wise, romantic, flamboyant, sexy. creative, well educated renaissance man, I think this is my favourite:

blurry+pensive_nohat_redshirt_1124

A little googling of the copyright holder, The Angelic Realm of Intellectual Substance, leads to this page – AngelBase – home of the technology that  “is going to redefine the entire $720 billion computing industry.” Looks like they’re a few years behind schedule, but with artwork like that, how can they not succeed?

A little more googling reveals the fascinating fact that our hero Mark once sued the Church of Scientology.

There is no doubt about it; he is indeed an extraordinary man.